This is my first (and most likely last) attempt at smut. It has been a long hard journey and one I'm happy to have over. Why it is so difficult for me to write about something so completely natural and pleasurable remains a mystery.
I must thank two ladies without whom this story would never have come about.
Brenda - for encouraging and sometime bullying me to just do it! I would have given up entirely if not for her.
Sharon - for encouraging me to step outside my comfort zone and stretch, and for wonderfully insightful suggestions.
Thanks, ladies. You're the best!
Disclaimer: All Star Trek characters are the property of CBS/Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended.
by Keaton Bridges
He flinched when the cold metal glove came to rest on his bare chest, drawing his attention away from unmoving, too firm breasts. Closing his eyes he focused instead on the sensations drawing him ever closer to the edge. This was no hologram or his own soapy hand in the shower, but a real flesh and blood woman riding him. Each stroke of his shaft a perfect match of the one before, calculated, measured. Borg precision.
He opened his eyes and searched her face for any sign that she was sharing in the pleasure of the act, but there was none. Emotionless unblinking eyes stared back as she continued the precise movements. Human copulation 101. Why couldn't she just let go? Forget the "how to's" of copulation and just make love?
He was so close yet completion eluded him. Sliding his fingers into her hair he pulled her down for a deep kiss, desperate to infuse her with the passion and abandon of making love, to drive away her need for perfection. His upward thrusts were deliberately erratic, breaking her rhythmic motion, and gradually the firmness of her lips softened on his. A low moan vibrated through him as she returned the kiss, sliding her tongue in to explore. He crashed over the edge and she with him, their bodies jerking erratically in the throes of orgasm, chaotic, imperfect.
Sated and with aftershocks yet rippling through him, he opened his eyes to look into the glazed blue eyes of his lover. The love he saw reflected there filled him, made his spirit soar on wings of love. And then he realized who he was looking at.
Chakotay bolted upright in bed, his heart pounding. He looked around sharply and found himself alone, shaken to the core by the vivid images of his dream. He pushed the sticky sheet from his body then stumbled into the bathroom to splash water on his face and clean himself. Though fully awake, his mind clung to the memory of Kathryn's face with her flushed cheeks and heavily lidded eyes, the faint smile. He could still feel the little puffs of her breath on his face as they slowly came down together, their bodies still joined.
With a groan Chakotay straightened and glared at his reflection in the mirror, droplets of water clinging to his stubbled face, and resisted the truth behind the disturbing dream. It had taken him far too long to quash his feelings for Kathryn. He would not let a dream derail his decision to move on. Seven's interest in him had soothed his battered ego, awakened his sleeping heart and filled it with excitement and the anticipation of a new relationship. He would not allow a single unbidden image of the woman who had kept his love on hold for years ruin his chances with a woman willing to reciprocate his feelings.
Chakotay pulled on a pair of sweat pants and went to the replicator for coffee. Too rattled and edgy to sleep and having no inclination to change the soiled sheets, he opted to get an early start on his day. A very early start.
With a steaming cup of coffee clasped between his hands he stood at the viewport in his lounge and gazed out at the stars. While the majority of the dream had been of Seven, it was as unsettling as Kathryn's brief but significant appearance. Even in his dream, Seven's need for perfection had asserted itself. He was forced to consider that his subconscious might be trying to tell him something. Chakotay didn't have to think very hard to know what that was.
If he continued to see Seven, they would eventually go to bed together. Despite her obvious allure, he had an uneasy feeling that making love with her would be very much like the dream. No gentle caresses, no murmured words of love or tender kisses, but automated movements to achieve the end result. Basic sex. Too basic.
Chakotay took a swallow of coffee then moved to sit on the sofa and dragged a hand across his damp face. He wanted - needed - loving touches and passionate kisses as much as he desired to give them. He longed for a heart and soul connection, not just a joining of bodies. Making love was much more than that - a meshing of spirits, two hearts beating as one, gazing into one another's eyes and coming apart in each other's arms. He ached for what the dream had given him only a glimpse of. Making love with Kathryn.
Anger and resentment boiled up inside him and he slammed the coffee cup down on the low table, splattering some of its contents over his hand. Ignoring the burn Chakotay stood and went back to the viewport. No matter how badly he wanted to be with Kathryn it simply was not going to happen. Worst of all, he knew that she loved him too, but refused to act on those feelings. Whether her reluctance was due to guilt, obligation, protocol, duty, or half a dozen other reasons didn't matter. He had years of proof that she was never going to change her mind.
Fine. She might have chosen to spend the rest of the trip with no real connection to another human being, but he would not. While she stood on her precious protocols with Starfleet rules and regulations running through her veins, Chakotay intended to live. Even sex with an automaton was better than spending another day in limbo.
Blowing out a breath he turned to go and change his sheets after all. With any luck he might be able to sleep another couple of hours. He was almost to his bedroom door when the door chime rang.
Chakotay turned and looked at the door. "Computer, who is at the door?"
His first instinct was to answer immediately. Kathryn would not come to his door at three in the morning unless there was an emergency. Would she? The ship wasn't rocking, there were no klaxons. Chakotay went in his bedroom to grab a tee shirt, closed the door behind him when he came out and pulled on the shirt on his way to the door.
When the door slid open he was more than a little surprised - even if it was 0300 - to see that Kathryn was wearing her night clothes. Ice blue pajamas beneath a white velour robe. She didn't look at all apologetic for being there.
"I need to talk to you," she said simply.
Chakotay stepped aside and gestured for her to come in. She walked past him, leaving the scent of lavender soap in his nostrils, and went to stand behind one of the chairs in his lounge. Taking her hands from the pockets of her robe and resting them on the chair's back, she waited for him to close the door.
"Captain?" he said as he moved to stand at her side, facing her.
She looked up at him with mild surprise then down at her hands and smiled very faintly. "I'm not here as your Captain, Chakotay."
Interesting. "All right."
"May we sit down?"
Kathryn sat down in the chair she'd been standing behind while Chakotay went to the sofa. She crossed and uncrossed her arms, folded her hands on her lap then changed her mind again and interlaced her fingers around a knee.
Chakotay had never seen her so nervous and it concerned him, though he pretended not to notice. He waited patiently for Kathryn to settle herself and tell him why she was there.
"I wouldn't have come here at this hour but the computer said you were awake and I couldn't sleep and..." Aware that she was rambling she paused and gave him a sheepish look. "I hope you don't mind?"
He wasn't thrilled about her presence on the heels of his disturbing dream, truth be told, but he forced up a small smile. "Of course not."
Kathryn appeared to relax a bit and settled back in the chair, moving her still clasped hands to her lap. "Before Neelix left, he asked me if I would...check on Seven from time to time." She averted her eyes, looking past him at the stars. "He said that she was venturing into romance and might need...advice. Woman to woman."
Chakotay managed to maintain a neutral expression though his mind reeled with questions. This was why she'd come here? Was she worried about Seven, or him? Did she even know that he was who Seven was seeing?"
Kathryn met his eyes briefly then rose and went to stand at the viewport. "I don't want her to get hurt."
He waited for more but only silence followed. He still didn't know if Kathryn knew about him and Seven. "What makes you think she'll get hurt?"
"I know it's hard to believe, but beneath the beautiful woman there is a vulnerable child." Kathryn turned around slowly keeping her gaze cast downward and continued as she moved back toward the chair. "She's still growing accustomed to all these new emotions she's feeling since the fail-safe device was removed." She looked at Chakotay as she took her seat again. "I guess I'm just concerned that she may be taking on too much too soon."
Still without an answer to his question, Chakotay was growing frustrated. Now was as good a time as any to get the whole thing out in the open. "Why are you telling me this?"
Kathryn's face lit up a little, as if she'd been waiting for precisely that question. "You're closer to the crew. You know more of what's going on with them. Ordinarily I would never ask this of you, but I thought, if you could find out who she is seeing..."
Chakotay almost stopped breathing. He barely heard her finishing words.
"I just want to know that it's someone who will be patient with her. Someone kind and understanding, who won't push her or expect too much."
So that was it. Kathryn had come to his quarters in the middle of the night because she was worried about her protege. Worse, she expected him to spy on her. He might have laughed at the irony had he not been concentrating on keeping his anger at bay. It wasn't easy, especially with Kathryn waiting expectantly for an answer.
"That won't be necessary," Chakotay said, watching her closely. "I'm the one Seven's been seeing." Even in the dim light he saw the color drain from her face.
Averting her eyes she quietly cleared her throat and then, as always, recovered quickly. With an obviously forced smile, she looked at him. "Then I needn't have been worried."
"Is that all you have to say?"
She was momentarily surprised by the hint of anger in his voice but again recovered. "Other than I wish you both the best, yes, that's all I have to say." She started to rise but sat down at his sharp words.
"Do you Kathryn?" Chakotay leaned up and peered into her eyes. "Do you really wish us well?"
"Why - why wouldn't I?"
He ignored the question and went on, unable to stop himself. "Or are you just relieved?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Now you won't have to feel guilty for pushing me away all these years."
Kathryn gaped then sprang to her feet and glared down at him. "I never pushed you away," she ground out. "You never gave me any reason to!" With that she stormed toward the door.
What did that mean? Chakotay stood up but knew he'd never reach her before she got to the door. "Computer, seal the door."
Kathryn nearly collided with the closed door. She spun around, her expression a mixture of anger and disbelief.
"I never gave you a reason?" he asked angrily, slowly moving around the table to go to her. "What does that mean?"
She watched him as if he were a predator advancing on her, and her breath quickened as she backed up against the door. "Computer, open the goddamn door."
"Go ahead, Kathryn. Run away," Chakotay taunted before she could give the computer her override code. He saw the panic in her eyes, but there was something else there too. Still moving toward her, he allowed his eyes to sweep down her body and back up.
Kathryn moistened her lips then spoke with defiance. "I do not run...ever."
Chakotay stood so close that the heat from her body scorched him. Her breath brushed his face like air moved by butterfly wings. She continued to stare into his eyes, and still she did not give the code. He spoke in a low voice as he placed his palms against the door on either side of her shoulders.
"Here's your chance to push me away, Kathryn."
He gave her a generous three seconds then leaned in to take her mouth. The kiss was gentle and she responded with equal desire until Chakotay pressed the length of his body against hers. Breaking the kiss she pushed at his chest.
"Wait, wait, wait !" Kathryn said and ducked beneath his arm to escape. She moved to stand behind the chair again and reached up to brush a strand of hair from her cheek with a shaky hand, keeping her back to him.
Chakotay turned from the door but did not approach her. More than anything he wanted to march over there, haul her into his arms and kiss her until she couldn't breathe, but wisely he listened to his better judgement. To push her now could send her shields back up, perhaps even permanently.
Though the kiss had lasted only a few moments, it had provided him with one very important piece of information. Something he had suspected all along. It would take only a single unguarded moment for Kathryn to taste the passion which had simmered between them for years and ignite a fire that she could not deny.
But would she try? She knew that he'd felt her respond to him - even if only briefly - before she'd pushed him away.
Chakotay resisted the urge to go to her, allowing Kathryn a modicum of privacy to collect herself. Clearly she had been shaken by the encounter as evidenced by the tremble of her hand.
She finally spoke quietly. "I - I'm sorry." Lowering her head she added more firmly. "I should not have allowed that to happen."
"No, apparently the mistake was mine," Chakotay said more harshly than he'd intended. "A few minutes ago you were angry that I've never given you a reason..."
"You never even gave me a chance!" Kathryn said as she turned on him with a glare, hands clenched down by her sides. "Not one chance to show you that I wouldn't have pushed you away!" She turned away but not before Chakotay had seen the angry tears in her eyes. "Now I have to," she added more calmly, wiping away the offending tears.
Stunned by her revelation, Chakotay hesitated before asking, "Why?"
Kathryn snorted indelicately. "Have you forgotten already?"
Ah. Seven. "That never would've happened in the first place if you hadn't expected me to read your damn mind!" Chakotay was not going to take all the blame here. This time Kathryn turned around slowly but the glare was the same. It only fueled his anger. "Oh, and for the record, Kathryn, you were wrong. I made my feelings very clear on New Earth."
For a few seconds she stared at him incredulously but the anger returned. "That was over five years ago!"
Chakotay approached and leaned well into her space. "What's you point?"
Some the the vinegar went out of her and she pulled back a little. "Didn't it ever occur to you...I mean, why didn't you...?"
"Try again? You shut me down when we were the only two people on the planet!" he said angrily and walked away toward the viewport. "After that, I pretty much left it up to you."
Kathryn stared at his back for a long while before she spoke again. "I'm sorry."
"Not half as sorry as I am," Chakotay answered with a hint of sarcasm, rubbing his jaw. "It hasn't been easy to love someone so much, all the while knowing that nothing was ever going to change." He turned around to look at her. "Nor was it easy to convince myself that it was time to give up and move on."
Kathryn nodded slowly in understanding then cast her eyes downward. She looked up again when he started toward her.
"We should have been honest with each other," he said softly, all his anger gone. "We could've avoided all the...misunderstanding." She smiled sadly and nodded again. "I want to start right now," he went on, holding her gaze. "I have no commitment to Seven. We've had a few dates, and we have not been intimate." Kathryn lowered her head in slight embarrassment but he lifted her chin with a curled forefinger. "I love you, Kathryn. Sometimes it feels like I've loved you forever." With his hand still at her chin, he watched his thumb brush across her bottom lip and whispered, "I want you."
Kathryn lifted her arms to slide them around his neck, brushing his hand aside, and stood on her toes to press her lips to his. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her tightly against him, leaving no question of how much he desired her. Kathryn's kiss, given freely and lovingly, was a balm to his lonely heart. It soon turned more urgent however when he felt her tongue brush across his lower lip, and he met it with his own and pushed beyond. She moaned and tried to press even closer, wrapping a leg around his thigh.
Holding her firmly with one arm, he slid his hand inside the front of her robe and cupped a breast through the silky pajama top, her nipple already erect. Flames of desire quickly heated his blood and he groaned with pleasure into her mouth, her response a moan that bordered on a growl. Draping her arms over his shoulders she began to pull at his tee shirt. Chakotay broke the kiss to pull the tee over his head and toss it aside. With heavily lidded eyes Kathryn drank in the sight of his bare chest then ducked her head to circle a nipple with her tongue, making him shudder and buck against her. He felt her smile against his skin, then jerked when she bit gently.
Seizing Kathryn's jaw he brought her face up to his for a deep, open-mouthed kiss and she responded with equal fervor. She practically climbed his body, seemingly unable to get close enough, and Chakotay smiled inside. That was something else he'd long suspected - that if they ever got to this point, Kathryn would be a voracious lover.
He peeled her from him and she made a sound of protest until she saw that he meant to undress her. He made short work of the knot in the belt of her robe then pushed the garment from her shoulders and let it fall to the floor. When Kathryn started to pull at the waistband of his sweats he grasped her wrists and distracted her with another kiss, then turned her around and pressed against her from behind. His intention had been to slow her down a bit but Kathryn had her own ideas and wiggled her bottom against him, making him back off a bit. Again she protested but he held her in place and started to unbutton her top while nibbling on her neck. She moaned, eyes closed, and let her head fall back on his shoulder, at the same time taking advantage of the space between them to reach back and stroke his growing erection through his pants. Chakotay groaned. He needed to touch her skin now. Frustrated with how long it was taking to divest her of the garment, he yanked it open sending the last two buttons flying across the room. Kathryn growled with approval when his hands found her breasts then licked her lips and continued to stroke him.
"Please," she moaned.
Keeping one hand on her breast, he used his other to pull down first her pants and then his own, then pressed against her again as they stepped from the garments. Kathryn turned her head searching for his mouth and he kissed her deeply, their tongues tangling as he kneaded her breasts. Her flesh was warm and pliant beneath his fingers and Kathryn arched into his touch. She covered one of his hands with one of hers then began to push it down. Chakotay moaned when his fingers reached her slick folds and he felt her stiffen slightly in his arms, signaling that she was close to the edge. His own desire flared and he moved gently againsts her, smearing his stomach and her lower back with precum.
"Chakotay," she whispered against his neck, but it was more a plea than an endearment.
Bending his knees slightly he started to enter her slowly. Kathryn dropped her head forward and sucked in a breath through clenched teeth, then shook her head when he stilled for fear of hurting her.
"Don't stop," she said hoarsely and reached back to grip his buttock and urge him on.
Chakotay pushed into her slowly, carefully, unwilling to cause her discomfort. Only when they were fully joined did he still to revel in this reality, this most intimate connection with the woman he loved. At long last Kathryn was his.
She lifted her head and let it fall back against his shoulder, releasing a ragged breath. With her eyes closed she slid her fingers between his where their bodies were joined. The sound she made was both whimper and sob.
Chakotay kissed her temple and then her eye, tasting the salt of a tear on her lashes. "You okay?" he whispered.
"Yes," she breathed then licked her lips. "God, yes."
He made long, languid strokes, nibbling at her ear and neck, kneading her breast. With Kathryn's fingers still laced with his, he stroked her swollen bud and her reaction was immediate. Chakotay felt her tense and knew her orgasm was already very near.
"I want to see you," he explained as he withdrew. Kathryn gazed at him through half open eyes as he slowly lowered her to the floor on their discarded night clothes. Chakotay lowered his body over hers and joined them again, taking her mouth in a hungry kiss. She arched up to meet his every thrust and her hands moved over his back, gently at first, then with urgency. Feeling her inner muscles tighten and his own release near as well, he rested his weight on his elbows and looked down at her, holding her face between his hands.
"I love you," he rasped.
Kathryn tried to say the words back to him but she was too close. Tilting her head back she only managed to moan his name as she tipped over the edge, shuddering beneath him. Chakotay moved faster, deeper, and groaned loudly as he too came, clutching her body to his and spilling his release into her.
When at last their bodies had stilled Chakotay raised up to look at her and she gazed back at him lovingly then reached up to cradle his face in her hands.
"I love you too," she said softly, offering the words she had been unable to speak at the moment her world had come apart. "I love you so much."
Chakotay leaned down to take her mouth in a deep, sensual kiss, rolling to his side with her still gathered in his arms. Kathryn hummed with pleasure before pulling back to look at him with one of her signature crooked smiles.
"What's that for?" he asked,smiling too as he ran a forefinger across her curled lips.
"What do you think?" she drawled, bending an elbow and resting her head on her hand. Her eyes followed the fingers of her other hand as she traced unknown patters on his almost hairless chest. "I'm very, very happy." Her eyes flicked up to meet his. "Aren't you?"
"I can't even tell you how much," he answered honestly, his smile gone. Chakotay wrestled with visions of her suddenly moving away from him, saying they had made a mistake and that it must never happen again.
"Are you sure about that?" Kathryn asked softly, having noticed the change in him.
He raised up on an elbow so that he could look her straight in the eyes. "Do you love me enough to...be with me Kathryn?"
She looked at him with mild confusion before dawning registered, followed by sadness. "I thought you knew me better than that, Chakotay," Kathryn said almost in a whisper, then determination filled her face. "I may have been foolish to take so long to get here, but I'm no fool," she said firmly. Her face softened and a faint smile curled her lips. "Of course I want to be with you."
"I'm talking about a commitment here," Chakotay said, praying that he wasn't asking too much too soon. On the other hand, he thought, he did want to be perfectly clear.
Kathryn searched his eyes for a long moment then leaned in and kissed him sweetly before settling back down by his side. "Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" she said lightly, resting a hand over his heart. "I can be a real pain in the ass at times."
"Noted," he answered with a smile.
There was a long silence before Kathryn began to speak softly. "My heart has been committed to you for longer than I care to admit, Chakotay. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to tell you."
"It doesn't matter now," he whispered and kissed the top of her head. One day, he would ask her to elaborate on just how long she'd felt that way about him. For now his heart was overflowing with the knowledge that she loved him and that they were finally together, in every way.
"I need a bath," Kathryn said and disentangled herself from his arms to raise up on an elbow again. She grinned down at him. "Care to join me?"
Chakotay grinned back. Serious conversations would wait for another time. He loved that she was so happy and apparently free of any guilt over what had just happened. It told him that she was at peace with this new direction they were taking together.
He scratched his temple with a forefinger. "I'd love to, but I don't have a bathtub."
She laughed softly and started to get up. "Then I suppose you'll just have to come over to my place," she said and began to pick up her night clothes as Chakotay got to his feet.
"Gladly." He started to reach down for his things but stopped when he noticed that she had stilled and was taking in his body with her eyes.
Kathryn slowly shook her head, nibbling at her lower lip, then looked up at him and smirked. "Maybe I was a bit of a fool after all. To have resisted you for so long."
Chakotay pulled her into his arms and kissed her tenderly then whispered near her ear, "Then we'll just have to make up for lost time, won't we?"
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